It is 1:30 on Tuesday morning and the only reason I am writing in this blog at that time is because I can't sleep. Monday was another chemo, it has been 4 weeks since the last and I can't relax. My legs and arms and the rest of me for that matter is very anxious, not nearly a severe reaction as the last time but still there. The legs just feel like they have to be moving. However,they didn't have to medicate me so much that Brian had to find a wheel chair for me and help me to bed and let me sleep. No,I walked easily to the car, I did have a nap for a few hours, watched a movie, 7 Pounds, a sad movie, with my family, which brought me to tears, and ate dinner. We will see what tomorrow brings, sometimes the days afterward are worse. But I think this lighter dosage agrees with me..

I had almost decided to skip this chemo and perhaps never have it again. Then at my last doctors appointment he suggested cutting the rineteacan and oxy dosages in half of what I had last time but adding a bolus of 5fu without the pump and some Avastan, a full dose. After Brian and Jared did some research for me,taking the 5 fu when you have already had a reaction to it again and taking Avastan with all of it's side affects was not an option. We also contacted the md Anderson clinic in Houstan to see what they would do.
They felt like I had taken enough chemo to look at my liver tumors and see how they had responded to it. They gave me an appointment on Aug. 30th to run blood tests and a ct scan and an appointment with the doctor on the 2nd of Sept. at which point in time they would probably schedule a liver resection. So after much prayer and pondering and fasting I chose to do one more chemo but eliminate the 5fu and the Avastan and then wait until after surgery to decide on any more chemo. After all chemo isn't for everyone, and it brings no guarantees, even research suggest that about 1/3 of the people given chemo don't respond to it. I was also impressed, after receiving a priesthood blessing, to think outside of the box, which is where I feel most comfortable anyway and look for alternatives to strengthen my body and to fight the cancer more naturally.I am back on my wheat grass, my carrot juice, Essaic tea, asparagus and my supplements. I will be trying more veggies and fruits and more unprocessed foods.

This brings me back to the beginning when I first knew I had cancer and my feelings of hope and despair. I am a mother, I want to be there for my children and my grand children, I am not ready to leave them. I want to see them grow up. I am a wife to someone who has always treated me as a princess. I want to be there for him, to sing his praises to future generations. I have been blessed to have such a caring, generous husband,and father for our children. I also did not want to put that chemo in my body, a body which has served me well. I still have my moments of tears and feelings of uncertainty when I am trying to make a significant decision, because I want to do what my Heavenly Father would have me do.I keep listening for answers and they come best when I am on my knees.