My last chemo was on the 9th of August. The side effects were not as serious as the previous three treatments but then I was only getting half of what they usually give me. I was still ill enough for the rest of the week to notice. The numbness in my hands and feet and my sensitivity to cold is still there and it may not go away.

Brian and I arrived in Houston Sunday evening. It has been a whirlwind getting here, lots of loose ends to tie up since we could be away most if not all of September. All of the love and support from family and friends helped. Thank you, thank you and thank you. You will never know how much your kindnesses, and thoughts of love and your prayers have meant to us.

Today was full of tests, blood tests--I thought that would be easy with no need to be stuck because of the groshan I have for chemo. But no, you have to have a note from your doctor because some doctors are afraid of infection and I haven't seen my doctor yet. They hunted around poking holes in me until they found a vein that would work for them. The chest xray was quick and easy then the CT scan, when I checked with them about using the groshan for that procedure they said it wouldn't dispense the radioactive isotope into my body as fast as a vein would, however, after I told them of my previous experience they were very careful and only had to stick me once. Everyone is very friendly to you and you are treated well and if you want to get alot of tests done fast and know the results within the next couple of days this is the place to be. I think I have mentioned this before. It is also the place to realize that my challenges are small compared to many of the others we saw there. One mother at the motel had admitted her son to the hospital today, he has brain cancer and can't see anymore and is 13 and things aren't getting any better.

Tomorrow our long time friends from Plano will be coming to visit and take us to see their youngest son, my namesake, Evan, in Austin. We haven't seen them for years, it will be a nice reunion.

After our visit with the surgeon on Wednesday I will know how the tests went and when the surgery will be scheduled. I will keep you posted.

It is 1:30 on Tuesday morning and the only reason I am writing in this blog at that time is because I can't sleep. Monday was another chemo, it has been 4 weeks since the last and I can't relax. My legs and arms and the rest of me for that matter is very anxious, not nearly a severe reaction as the last time but still there. The legs just feel like they have to be moving. However,they didn't have to medicate me so much that Brian had to find a wheel chair for me and help me to bed and let me sleep. No,I walked easily to the car, I did have a nap for a few hours, watched a movie, 7 Pounds, a sad movie, with my family, which brought me to tears, and ate dinner. We will see what tomorrow brings, sometimes the days afterward are worse. But I think this lighter dosage agrees with me..

I had almost decided to skip this chemo and perhaps never have it again. Then at my last doctors appointment he suggested cutting the rineteacan and oxy dosages in half of what I had last time but adding a bolus of 5fu without the pump and some Avastan, a full dose. After Brian and Jared did some research for me,taking the 5 fu when you have already had a reaction to it again and taking Avastan with all of it's side affects was not an option. We also contacted the md Anderson clinic in Houstan to see what they would do.
They felt like I had taken enough chemo to look at my liver tumors and see how they had responded to it. They gave me an appointment on Aug. 30th to run blood tests and a ct scan and an appointment with the doctor on the 2nd of Sept. at which point in time they would probably schedule a liver resection. So after much prayer and pondering and fasting I chose to do one more chemo but eliminate the 5fu and the Avastan and then wait until after surgery to decide on any more chemo. After all chemo isn't for everyone, and it brings no guarantees, even research suggest that about 1/3 of the people given chemo don't respond to it. I was also impressed, after receiving a priesthood blessing, to think outside of the box, which is where I feel most comfortable anyway and look for alternatives to strengthen my body and to fight the cancer more naturally.I am back on my wheat grass, my carrot juice, Essaic tea, asparagus and my supplements. I will be trying more veggies and fruits and more unprocessed foods.

This brings me back to the beginning when I first knew I had cancer and my feelings of hope and despair. I am a mother, I want to be there for my children and my grand children, I am not ready to leave them. I want to see them grow up. I am a wife to someone who has always treated me as a princess. I want to be there for him, to sing his praises to future generations. I have been blessed to have such a caring, generous husband,and father for our children. I also did not want to put that chemo in my body, a body which has served me well. I still have my moments of tears and feelings of uncertainty when I am trying to make a significant decision, because I want to do what my Heavenly Father would have me do.I keep listening for answers and they come best when I am on my knees.

Have you noticed that sometimes when you are sick you don't realize how sick you were until you are well? I am beginning to understand that I have not felt myself for quite a long time. Perhaps for at least a couple of years or longer. This last couple of weeks I have felt stronger and better than I have for a long time. I have gone on walks and hiked and had the energy to do things without just being exhausted. I have felt so much better than I have since the chemo began, chemo really made me sick and tired and weak and I was just existing, because that is the strength I had to do. I realize that now that I have had a two week reprieve.
I see the doctor today...... I know what he wants me to do.... at least 4 more chemo before my liver surgery. I am pondering and praying if that is what I should do. He will have the results of one specific test, my CEA, which can be an indicator of the chemo being effective against the cancer.

Decisions, decisions, decisions......there are so many things to decide...thank goodness for prayer, for the peace and comfort and inspiration that come from searching the scriptures and seeking the will of my Heavenly Father.